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June 15 2010
Highly effective ways of stopping sexual harrassment
The Best Way to Stop Sexual Harassment
Or you can employ Working Girl's very favorite, and supereffective, way to stop sexual harassment in its tracks: You can laugh.
Don't women do this kind of thing naturally anyway? And this only works if the co-worker is an equal. Doing this with a boss's ego can be fatal to one's career as the laugher will be labeled "cunt" and the endeavor to make her life miserable will commence.
The real solutions are as follows.
You can get together with some other chicks at the office and kidnap his ass
It's a felony but life sometimes imitates art, right? It could come to a happy conclusion.
Fart
You would be surprised how quickly guys lose interest in a strange woman when they find out what her bowels smell like. It doesn't have to be audible, you just have to make sure that the harasser smells it.
Straight razor
Tell an anecdote about this time this guy tried something and you cut his dick off. Show them the razor you keep on you at all times. If you do it well you probably won't be believed completely, but the slight possibility that you may be telling the truth will terrify most men into staying away.
May 30 2010
How you morph into a serial killer
Life is boring
You find yourself in a rut like so many
other human beings, doing the same shit over and over again, the only adrenaline
rush you get coming from the cellphone and bills every month (will I need to ask
for more hours at work?). Nobody respects you, nothing fulfills you. Then one
night you hit a raccoon by accident and you pull over and walk back to watch it
bleed out. Then you go home and jack off...
The lust
It starts out with looking at people from afar. Lust from afar means that
whatever you are lusting after looks more beautiful than it really is. Your
imagination softens the focus and adds the smell of roses and lavender. You lose
a sense of the real object and grow closer to the imagined object. You crave
this thing that you have imagined. The problem of course is that nothing that
you want is ever as good once you actually have it. You keep looking for that
thing you have in your head, you want to possess it, but it cannot be possessed.
People are naturally assholes
There is no logical reason for empathy.
If you look hard enough at anyone, anyone, you see a reason for contempt. Being
contemptible is built in with your human nature. You know that feeling you get
when you see the picture of a child molester or animal abuser on TV or in the
newspaper? The desire to see how this person would react if the tables were
turned? Well, everybody at some point or other would deserve that. Your
neighbor, for instance. You know the one. Or your ex.
Victims are plentiful
If you are careful in choosing a
victim and in hiding the body you can find somebody that nobody cares about. Minorities and hookers are perfect. Lonely
people. Those far from home with no family. Nobody knows that they are missing
until they find a body and then if it's been hidden for long enough nobody can
tell who it belonged to.
If you aren't too particular you can probably kill one a week. If you must have a “type” then it will take a little longer.
Once you are found out you become important
If you do it
right you can hunt for a long time without being found out, but what about when
you are? Then you get to be important. If 10 guys kill 10 people none of those
killers is particularly important, but if one guy kills 10 people he is feared,
and interesting. He has the power to bring a city of millions to its knees,
vomiting in terror.
A side-note on Dexter:
What if all his coworkers already know
about his dark passenger and are just humoring him? What if they all keep silent
and pretend to not know so that he can keep doing his work?
January 24 2010
The way of the idiot
Truly scary things about the largest segment of humanity...
to continually misunderstanding the motives of others, misinterpreting the actions, ascribing wholly wrong intentions
to simple actions. They have a loose grasp on reality, nothing to interpret it with, no means of digesting truth. These are the people who make friends with people who mean them harm and enemies of those who might have been kind to them. January 20 2010
Sudden ailments that can ruin your life
Spontaneous gayness
It can happen to anybody at any time, it's the psychological ailment that no one speaks about. So here's your predicament: you are in bed with your girlfriend, getting it on, and then, BAM, you're gay. How do you handle it?
The key is to remain calm. Sure, now the last thing you are interested in is a woman, but you can freak out, now, or else she might call the cops or something. You need to remain calm as if nothing has happened and wait for an opportunity to escape.
Spontaneous Amnesia
Again, another rarely-mentioned ailment. This one could be a blessing in disguise, how many people get to leave their old lives behind and embark on a new one with little or no emotional baggage? Count your blessings. The big problem though is if you forget how to do your job while in the middle of it. For example, while in the middle of surgery.
It makes no sense to tell you the best way to handle it since you probably won't remember this post.
Hysterical necrophilia
In grief for a loved on, some people find themselves with a strong physical attraction to dead bodies. This can be awkward, especially at the funerals of close family members. Funeral directors have been known to keep stun-guns on hand for grieving people attempting to molest corpses during funeral services.
If strongly tempted to climb into the casket and rip the clothes off a loved one, simply call out for the stun-gun, or if you are in America use the universal code-word "sheeps" that funeral homes use to indicate a necrophile emergency.
January 18 2010
Strange Lady Fetishes
She once dated an ex-boxer. "Dated" in the sense that she paid him for the relationship. One of her fetishes was to have a man punch her solidly in the face before going to bed and this guy was more than willing. It was not, she explained to me, that she liked the idea of being abused, she just liked being dizzy during sex. When she lost her job and could no longer afford him, she would walk around the house ramming her head into the wall in order to recapture the feeling she had had while with him.The other one's fetish
was the sound animals made when thrown from overpasses or low bridges.
You had to have somewhere low enough that the animal's impact with the
pavement could be heard, but high enough that the fall would cause it
to make a satisfying splat. After she got out of jail the last time we
suggested that she get a pig carcass. She would by one about once a
year and take it to the overpass early in the morning, to throw it
over. She didn't need a husband or a man in her life as long as she had
that pig carcass and a tape-recorder.
The last one had a thing for open radios. Radios with the cases open. They turned her on so much that she would take pictures of them and keep them in a photo album under her bed. She wound up marrying a man who fixed radios (hard to find these days), not because she loved him but because he brought his work home. She would go to his basement workshop late at night and ogle the uncased radios.
January 13 2010
The less thought-about aspects of getting old
You are going to miss a lot of things
When you are a child everything seems possible. One day, you think, you may get to see space, maybe visit another planet, at the very least there is the possibility that you will become an astronaut and know what it's like to be free from gravity. Technology seems to be moving rapidly, so that by the time you are grown up you may be able to live in a domed city, own a flying car, and a have a clone of young Demi Moore that you keep locked in the basement for your entertainment. Except, it won’t happen. When you get old enough to compare your aging to the movement of technology you realize that while it will probably happen, some day, for somebody, it won't for you. Some cool shit will happen while you are able to do something with it, but lots of cool shit will wait until you are too old to care, and most of it for when you are beyond being even so much as a memory.
You learn stuff that would only have been useful prior being old
One the big reasons people have kids is that they can find something to do with the accrued knowledge that you get only from screwing up. The shy loser learns to talk to young pretty women at age 50. You learn the appeal of cunnilingus only when the only women you have access to are somebody's grandmother. You get a work-ethic when your hands are too arthritic to do much, or technology is so far beyond your ability to grasp that you cannot adjust. You truly learn how to win a football game long after the scholarship offers have disappeared. If you don't have kids then you have nothing to do with it, you can't use what you know ever again.
Young people are assholes
Young people are to old people what the Red States in America are to Liberals. Crass and ignorant without know it. When the fact of your own ignorance is hidden completely from you, so that you are uninhibited with it, unable to disguise it or remedy it, then there is simply no point in having anything to do with you. Discussions are meaningless. The first and most important obstacle to any meaningful understanding of anything, is to admit that you do not know. If you truly believe that you do, then there is nowhere to go. You have to agree to disagree, which is what a cold war is.
You learn what a crappy kid you were
This is the other side of learning that young people are assholes. With each newly understood part of life your previous ignorance gets clearer. With old age comes the tools to introspect better, and often the time to do it in. If you have kids you see yourself reflected in their stupidity. Even if the kids around you are worse than you ever were, you still learn that you were on the same path, and could have been as bad. Parenting is a form of justice, though. The people who were the worst kids usually wind up raising kids who are worse than they ever were.
Nothing is as good as it used to be
No food, no art, no device. Nothing is made as well as when it was new, no technology can be enjoyed in the same way it was when new. No food tastes the same as when you were young and your life was relatively simple. For one thing, your tastes were less mature, you asked less, you had no preconceived notions and no pretensions. Now you are jaded and tired of experiencing things. For another, people change, the world changes, the ethic of one generation does not necessarily carry over to another. A pie made in one decade will cater to a different set of sensibilities the way a novel might.
So many things that you can't leave behind
You get over exactly nothing. You leave no addictions behind, you just replace them, none of your traumas are forgotten, they just get covered up. What people consider getting over stuff really has to do with the quality of the covering. How well do you mask it? How well do you keep it locked down so that you can live the rest of your life around it. It's always there, a part of who you are until you cease to be you anymore. The only recovery is a paint-job, not a reconstruction.
December 19 2009
Jules's hair in Pulp Fiction Bugs Me Still
I read somewhere that originally it was supposed to be an afro. If it had been a convincing afro I think the character would have been even more epic. I can see a throwback to the blaxploitation movies of the 70s, a kind of Jim Brown/ Richard Roundtree antihero who could quote Bible verses and wax poetic about countries called What. He would have been bold and original Quentin Tarantino opted for a bizarre Jherri curl-like thing instead and so created a serious visual flaw that made the character just seem weird, like a raving homeless guy. Granted, Samuel L. Jackson can make anything good, even raving homeless guys, but I cannot imagine that this movie is loved among black people who grew up in the 80s . Did Tarantino not know any? There were Jherri curls at my high school and they did not look anything like that. Not even slightly similar. It was too dry, too loose, and the facial hair just was not compatible. It was very obviously fake and smelled of the prop-room. BODY { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma; FONT-SIZE:10pt } P { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma; FONT-SIZE:10pt } DIV { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma; FONT-SIZE:10pt } TD { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma; FONT-SIZE:10pt }I read somewhere that originally it was supposed to be an afro. If it had been a convincing afro I think the character would have been even more epic. I can see a throwback to the blaxploitation movies of the 70s, a kind of Jim Brown/ Richard Roundtree antihero who could quote Bible verses and wax poetic about countries called What. He would have been bold and original Quentin Tarantino opted for a bizarre Jherri curl-like thing instead and so created a serious visual flaw that made the character just seem weird, like a raving homeless guy. Granted, Samuel L. Jackson can make anything good, even raving homeless guys, but I cannot imagine that this movie is loved among black people who grew up in the 80s. Did Tarantino not know any? There were Jherri curls at my high school and they did not look anything like that. Not even slightly similar. It was too dry, too loose, and the facial hair just was not compatible. It was very obviously fake and smelled of the prop-room.
December 18 2009
Alien Pleasure Hole
December 17 2009
Hiding the trap: getting women to think you are not perverted
What it is is that all the instincts that men had from early on in human civilization, skills that would be used out in the woods, trapping and killing animals, sodomizing rodents, etc.. Now they are no longer necessary for survival, but they don't go away, so all these excuses to use them come up. What else do we want to catch and keep? Chicks, of course. Bitches. It doesn't help that the culture encourages women to objectify themselves. It's like disguising yourself as a wounded antelope as hungry bushmen pursue you.
The camouflage, the thing men use to get women to think that they are really cool human beings instead of voyeuristic opportunists and sniffers of bicycle seats, that is the essence of courtship. It's about hiding the trap. Once you have her you can take her back to the lair and take your time skinning and cooking, but until then you need her to believe that there is no danger whatsoever.
December 16 2009
How to get women you have abducted to fall in love with you
Before you go dismissing these words of "advice", note that the vast majority of you who spend your lives on the Internet and/or playing games will have no other means of securing a meaningful relationship . Note that this will work for you psycho cat-hoarder chicks with poor hygiene as well. The name the game for you abducting Don Juans, is isolation. Remember that shit. You want to isolate your new girlfriend from all contact until she doesn't have a relationship with the real world anymore. You see, in the real world you are the creepiest of creeps, without the ability to form relationships any of the women who have options, who can see you for what you are, a sick loser. Down in your dungeon, however you are the slickest of the slick ladies men. You are a god. You are cupid. With no options you will be everything she could ever want in a man. No live-action TV for your guest. No windows, no magazines, no music. Cartoons and coloring books are OK. She can't compare you to those. What you are doing is separating her from the world in which what you are doing is "wrong". Be kind. You want her to think highly of you. Alone and dependent she now needs your kindness , needs you to like her. You are her path to a longer, more enjoyable life. You want her to never ever want leave your basement paradise. Make the outside world look bad. You want to alter her perception of the world she came from so as to eliminate the desire to return to it. It helps if your guest is childless and orphaned, or from an unhappy home. Illegal immigrants are good for this. The legal system doesn't really care what you do to them and there's nobody to report them missing. If they do get away where are they going to go? If they are not illegal you can always tell them that something strange has happened, a zombie apocalypse, or a dog-flu epidemic. Remember, the outside world is yours to describe if you do this right. Keep your distance. No physical contact. This part of the isolation part. Sensory deprivation. But it's also about making her responsible. Letting her make the "decision". That way it feels more like a real relationship. If you ever get caught and your little tryst is broken up by the police this will ensure that you live on in her heart and mind for a very long time. BODY { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma; FONT-SIZE:10pt } P { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma; FONT-SIZE:10pt } DIV { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma; FONT-SIZE:10pt } TD { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma; FONT-SIZE:10pt } Before you go dismissing these words of "advice", note that the vast majority of you who spend your lives on the Internet and/or playing games will have no other means of securing a meaningful relationship. Note that this will work for you psycho cat-hoarder chicks with poor hygiene as well.The name the game for you abducting Don Juans, is isolation. Remember that shit. You want to isolate your new girlfriend from all contact until she doesn't have a relationship with the real world anymore. You see, in the real world you are the creepiest of creeps, without the ability to form relationships any of the women who have options, who can see you for what you are, a sick loser. Down in your dungeon, however you are the slickest of the slick ladies men. You are a god. You are cupid. With no options you will be everything she could ever want in a man.
No live-action TV for your guest. No windows, no magazines, no music. Cartoons and coloring books are OK. She can't compare you to those. What you are doing is separating her from the world in which what you are doing is "wrong".
Be kind. You want her to think highly of you. Alone and dependent she now needs your kindness, needs you to like her. You are her path to a longer, more enjoyable life. You want her to never ever want leave your basement paradise.
Make the outside world look bad. You want to alter her perception of the world she came from so as to eliminate the desire to return to it. It helps if your guest is childless and orphaned, or from an unhappy home. Illegal immigrants are good for this. The legal system doesn't really care what you do to them and there's nobody to report them missing. If they do get away where are they going to go? If they are not illegal you can always tell them that something strange has happened, a zombie apocalypse, or a dog-flu epidemic. Remember, the outside world is yours to describe if you do this right.
Keep your distance. No physical contact. This part of the isolation part. Sensory deprivation. But it's also about making her responsible. Letting her make the "decision". That way it feels more like a real relationship. If you ever get caught and your little tryst is broken up by the police this will ensure that you live on in her heart and mind for a very long time.
Saddling up the wife: The secret of sexual satisfaction
I want to ride you like a horse. I said to her, the true love of my life. Exactly like a horse. With the saddle and everything. She was a stocky girl. Not fat, but defittely stocky. Most of it muscle. She was about 5 foot 3, I am 6 feet tall, a shade over 200 pounds. I had had a saddle custom-made. I took it out and showed to her. This was definitely not what she expected when she asked to know what my deepest, most closely-guarded fantasies were. The guy who made it wanted to sell me a bit and bridle thing that people with pony-fetishes use. I want you to know that I am not one of those freaks. I explained this to her in a voice that was meant to comfort her, put her at ease. I don't want you to pretend to be a horse, nor have I ever wanted to do this with anybody else. Just you. I want to ride you around the living-room. I don't see how that would be viable unless you lose a lot of weight, honey. She smiled, but I didn't smile back. This is not optional, I said. You will like it, I promise. That night when I strapped the saddle on and sat astride my wife, she had an orgasm instantly till she was bucking across the living-room and the rest of the house like a young bronco, taking me with her. She orgasmed roughly once every 20 seconds, till finally, 40 minutes later she bucked me off in the bathroom. *The science behind this:* During pregnancy a woman's back muscles will often sextuple or quintuple in strength so as to support her massive baby-gut. The muscles develop in pretty much the same way as that of a strong thoroughbred horse. My wife had had 3 children at that point and could have supported three men of my weight. BODY { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma; FONT-SIZE:10pt } P { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma; FONT-SIZE:10pt } DIV { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma; FONT-SIZE:10pt } TD { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma; FONT-SIZE:10pt } I want to ride you like a horse. I said to her, the true love of my life. Exactly like a horse. With the saddle and everything. She was a stocky girl. Not fat, but defittely stocky. Most of it muscle. She was about 5 foot 3, I am 6 feet tall, a shade over 200 pounds. I had had a saddle custom-made. I took it out and showed to her. This was definitely not what she expected when she asked to know what my deepest, most closely-guarded fantasies were.Maybe Soup is currently being updated? I'll try again automatically in a few seconds...
